Broken Flowers
I must admit i've never been keen on Jim Jarmusch's movies, at least on paper. For instance, it took me several months, perhaps even a year to finally push myself to watching Ghost Dog after i bought it on VHS. But i guess i have some sixth sense for getting excited about movies that turn out to be just the best movie of the year. Or it's just me relying on a cast that includes Bill Murray, Jeffrey Wright, Sharon Stone, Frances Conroy (this list goes on and on). I'm talking about Broken Flowers.
The story is so simple, i'll suffice to say it's about a man searching for his son he didn't know he had. The rest of the movie is a true breath of fresh air. The first thing i said to Erik after the movie ended, was that this is a movie that just lets you watch... On no occassion you're being forced to bond with the characters, you'll do that by yourself because of the magnificent acting. And i haven't laughed so uncontrollably with a movie since a long long time. That's the end of my promotional speech about this movie...
Cue the personal part. Somewhere around three-quarters into the movie (for the people who watched it: when Don (Bill Murray) finally flies back to his hometown) something in my head clicked. You see, my father died January 1998, almost eight years ago, after being diagnosed with cancer. His birthday is December 21st. You can imagine, since then the festive season hasn't been just an occassion for me and my family to get together. It's not just the holiday season either, ever since he died, from the start of October on up to January 9th there's this weight on my chest. Sometimes i barely notice it, other times it's really hard, it's always there.
Only this year, and i guess it has something to do with me moving in with Erik and not being on my own so much, i feel a lot better about it. And then i'm watching Broken Flowers with Bill Murray, who all of a sudden reminds me a lot of my father, his body language, the colour of his hair, his face. I'm wondering why i never noticed this before, because the resemblance is quite striking. I'm watching the scene with Don walking out of the airport to hail a cab. And the next thought flashes through my head: "What if my father would be looking for me, right now?". And i've been thinking about that ever since.
When my father died, i was 21 years old. A few weeks before he got ill, i told my parents about my homosexuality. In the disordered time that followed, i never had that talk with him in which he tells me it's allright. It's not that i feel sorry about that now, or hold a grudge, because i feel in the end he gave me his support without words, but there's still unfinished business. Let me explain: i was in my post-teens before he got ill, when all i wanted was to move out of my parents house and have a life of my own. My view on the way my parents lived their life was colored that way, and i think everyone goes through that, and only age can smoothe it out. All these years, i was busier dealing with how i felt about him at the time of his death, instead of what he meant to me. What stopped my thoughts during the movie, is that i'm the son in that film. I can't really put it to words, but i feel i haven't been looking for my dad all those years. And on the screen, in the theatre, i saw my father looking for me.
death, movies
this post was written on 02 12 05 - 21:20
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